As random as it gets...

A lot has happened since my last post... So here is a list of stuff that has happened. I don't know why but I felt like it was important for me to record them for no reason other than to be able to remember...

Shelby turned 8 months old yesterday, and it's been a roller-coaster ride. The first two month of having her were insane, I just did not know how to handle a hyper active puppy... She would nip, scratch me, get angry and start barking if I yelled at her... There have been times when I just broke down out of sheer exhaustion and confusion as to what to do. At the same time she has changed the way I look at life, P n I absolutely cannot imagine our lives with out her. She has so much love to give and is the basis for the kind of person I want to be. One unintentional thing that has happened is that we have connected with a  number of dog lovers in our society. In the nine months that we lived here we did not meet as many people as many as we have met ever since we got Shelby home. It's been absolutely wonderful.

P and I attended three weddings in three months! We went to Indore, Chandigarh and Mangalore. Three different cities, three culturally different ceremonies and three amazingly awesome cuisines! And also three different sets of friends... It was awesome!!! I got to dress up, we ate mountains of delicious food and also managed a little bit of sightseeing in whatever little time we had. These weddings also made me realise, that it does not matter how different the ceremonies were, the fun and the frolic, the stress, dealing with annoying relatives its all a part and parcel of the ceremony. N it is such a bitter sweet experience for every one involved... Like a slice of life :P

I have finally figured out what I need to be focusing on career wise. I wanted to get into the field of psychology but was tentative as I was unsure of how to go about it and most importantly if it was something I could be good at. I have been mediocre in most things in life and in the last few years it has become important for me to figure out what it is that I am good at. I don't want to go through life feeling that I haven't accomplished anything. Last year I looked at a couple of courses that I could do and one attracted me the most. But it was already to late to apply. So I decided to wait for the next batch and till then take life as it came. Joining this course has been one of the best decisions I made. I love the subject, I understand the complexity of it and best of all I know that there is a lot for me to learn and I don't take the learning for granted. But, I can see myself doing this for a living. Having a practice, being a counselor and helping people live a better life on their own terms! Because it's always been my motto to live life like that. I always knew that I wanted a profession that would require me to be a better person each day, I did not know how to go about it, but it was something that drove me right from the time I graduated from my MBA. I cannot believe that my journey has been this long... and winding. I have no clue how  I landed here, but I am glad that I did! I know it is just the beginning and that I have along way to go, I will have to do another Masters course! And that is just insane... But here I am... At the starting line again and looking forward to it. Just realised... fountainhead is once again such an apt title for my blog!

Life as it is....

So,  its been a year again.... And no posts... A lot has happened. In March last year we moved to Hyderabad... My home town. Sorry our home town. Its something that I always wanted, to move back and be closer to my parents in a city I grew up in. 

I longed for familiarity in the first year of being married. I hated being in a new place with new people, completely out of my comfort zone. But as years passed and as it always happens I made new friends, connected with a friend I already had in a new city. We, I guess found comfort in each other because we were the something familiar to each other in a new place. 

By the time we had to move we had made a life for ourselves, I learnt a lot of new things and basically grew up... not only as an individual but also as a part of a couple. We came a long way from being a newly married unsure couple, navigating through the complexities of sharing a life together. Its been quite a journey for both of us.

So when we moved back, I obviously did not want to... I missed the people and the life we had built. But it was time for a new chapter in our life. After almost a year I finally feel a little settled in my hometown, even more so in the last three weeks, ever since we got a puppy home. Her name is Shelby and there could not have been a better time for her to come home. Now that I am responsible for her upbringing, I am re-acquainting with my self. Getting to know newer facets of my personality. I have realised I am not as patient as I should be. Its been an emotional journey wanting to do right by her and to make sure that I bring her up right. I have been documenting all the challenges I face and am hoping to learn and come out on the other side as a better human being. 

On a rainy day...

It was a cold November morning. It had rain all night and was still raining, the roads were wet and there was a chill in the air...

On this cold wet day, she was sitting by the window looking at the rain beating against the window. A strong wind was fighting its way into the horizon, mercilessly beating everything that came in its way... the trees bending at the wind's will. She closed her eyes and took in the silence that had quietly enveloped her. Every now and then she could hear the windows shudder when the wind got strong. She stretched out her palms and placed them on the cold glass... she could feel the chilly dampness through the glass. Letting out a long sigh, she stepped back and stared at the window pane fogging up. She hugged herself and a strange restlessness took over her.

She felt the need to do something. She wasn't sure what it would be but she new it had to be something...

flitting thoughts...

The time I spend with you

Is like mist and cloud.

I tell myself that the

Time will pass.

And I will hold you again.

the others...

Few days ago, I was chatting with a friend.

CD: no blogs these days?

me: u read my blogs???

CD: ofcourse...

me: i dint kno

:)

CD: because i never commeted...too lazy to come all the way to ur blog..cant comment through my reader...

me: i c

It was nice to know that there are others besides the "significant" few who read my blog...

Its that time of the year again...

Its December.... my favourite month of the year and it hs nothing to do with a certain date of the month. It just that I love everything about winter... yes I do know that I keep complaining about the weather being too cold, me freezing off my hands and feet. But I love snuggling under the blanket, wearing sweatshirts & jackets that keep me warm, looking out for the bit of sunlight to stand under, eating garam garam khaana, checking out sales, having barbecue parties and planning the new year party. In school and college the added charm were the winter vacations. But then even in the corporate worklife I experienced there was this spell of laziness and relaxation all around.

Le voyage

As I walked on a cobbled path on an unknown road,
Little did I think,
Little did I wonder.
As I walked by the river,
Beyond yonder -
I still did not think,
Still did not wonder.
I trekked the wounded paths,
Stumbled through the woods,
Yet I persisted -
Yet I trampled on.
I tread the misty moors
I stepped along as the ocean lashed the rocks
Sand between my fingers -
Dawn through dusk

And I go on still
With steps that never slow down
With steps that never die down

For you, With Love...

How is it so easy for a person to exist for a moment and then just stop existing the next?


Yes they stay on in our memories for ever but how do you comprehend the loss of a near one, who was there a moment ago and now is no longer with you?


How are you suppose to react when it comes at you like a bolt from the blue, from behind when you least expected?


How do you justify the loss of someone who has died so young?


When does it hit you and when does it sink in?

Up in smoke...

Last night I had a dream. And in the dream I smoked a Cigar (It was a very bizarre dream and I don’t remember any of the particulars)

What is it about them that makes people want to blow up their life in smoke???

Curiosity???

I know I was curious about cigarettes as a child. I loved watching the men puffing out smoke. It somehow felt like a very grownup thing to do. But as I grew up, fascination turned into disgust. I did once in a very stupid state of mind take a puff. And my friend A’s reaction said it all. After that I pretty much felt like kicking myself. I, who finds it difficult to stand in close vicinity to a person who has just smoked, actually smoked.

It is said that anything in moderation is okay, but the thing with cigarettes is, there is no moderation. It eventually turns out to be an addiction, no matter what one tries to do. And it’s only when things start to get out of hand, people realize the folly of their actions.

N yes!!! I do know that it’s a personal choice. What I do not agree with - is smoking in a public area. No one can disregard someone else’s life! There are some who even subject their unsuspecting families to passive smoking.

I have friends who smoke and there is nothing one can do or say to make them give up smoking, unless realization hits them like a speeding truck!

N there are those who argue that –“Who wants to live a long boring life?”

Well don’t you want to live a “healthy and fit life” even if it is short?

I don’t know what my dream represents – but I am sure it’s not some unconscious yearning for the unknown. And it’s not like I hope to achieve some noble cause by expressing my confusion. I only hope to clear it by maybe jotting down my thoughts.

Suspension...

Life has come to a standstill.

The sand just keeps slipping out of my hand and all I can do is

helplessly watch it steal away into the night.

Days gone past...

Days have passed by in a blur... i dint even know what was happening. So today when i finally had some time to myself i decided to recount the events of the past few weeks:

First things first - fountainhead turned one and might i say that it was an interesting year at that. The gone by 12 months have been extremely volatile for me. Have gone through so many emotions, some i dint even know existed in me. All in all its been a crazy year and by far the most exciting. Continuing on the blog front I also completed 25 successful blog entries, which by my standards is pretty good. I think overall i like the way they shaped out.

N yes its been a year since I have been to Leh n back n believe me the magic still lingers on. Waise there are plans in the offing for another trip next year.

Went to Nagarjunsagar last Sunday. Needless to say it was a lot of fun. Am soooo glad that uncle D is back, we get to do many more trips when he is around!!! Haven't got the pics yet though. Will put them up as soon as i get them.

Oh yes, how can i forget, Siraj got married!!! I enjoyed his wedding. Met up with a lot of friends and ate real good food (yummy).

Well apart from that work has been happening, n i am loving it....

Mes amis!!!!

My Crazyyyyyyy friends!!!!! I love them to bits..... they make me miserable by teasing me mercilessly but if it were'nt for them life would have been reaaaaaallly boring!!!!!

Treasure Island...

I've learned that all a person has in life is family and friends. If you lose those, you have nothing, so friends are to be treasured more than anything else in the world.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone, South Park, Prehistoric Ice Man, 1999

Two weeks back I met a friend of mine, T, after four years. We had not spoken to each other much during that gap. We exchanged a few scraps on Orkut and even fewer e-mails and I think we spoke on the phone twice!!! And yet when I met her I was extremely happy to see her and it took us just about the whole afternoon to come out with all the significant and insignificant details of our lives in those few hours. We have known each other for over 20 years now!!! We were never the best of friends. We even fought so many times and over so many things. There was a time when we were barely on speaking terms with each other. But then all these bitter sweet memories have made our relationship stronger than ever.

Besides T there are other two girls whom I have known as long as I have known her. Again, we have never been the best of friends. We grew up together, studied in the same school and were part of the same family circle. I think as long as we were in school our identities were tied to each other. Then as we grew up, we did different things. We made different friends. Friends we chose for our selves because of the similarities we shared. I cherish the new friendships that have come my way. A few of them have significantly changed my life and have made me the person I am today and for that I am grateful.

But these three girls whom I am talking about are different and always will be. With them I share a bond. It’s like when u walk down a road in a strange land with strange people around, anything that is even vaguely familiar would bring a smile to your face and make you at ease. This is what I share with them. As I said we may not all be best of friends, there may not be a lot in common between us, but it is what we have shared that makes the bond so special. And what we have shared together is the most essential of all the experiences in our life – Our Childhood.

Solitary Reaper...

In the perfect world, I would have been a free person. Free of any obligations to others, free from pursuing goals and objectives set for me by others and free from acting out of pre-set and pre-conditioned boundaries.

But alas, its not a perfect world out there and the truth is that more you try to alienate your self to be able to set out on that path of “freedom” there is someone all ready to pull you back into the vortex.

The whole point being, when you do those things you do, you begin to expect and that’s where everything goes wrong. (At least for me it does) I want to live a life free of expectations. I thought that I had to a certain extent freed myself from any expectations from others and believe me I have to quite an extent, but then I find that, that extent does not help me from being less hurt. I still feel hurt.

The whole thing makes me feel so stupid sometimes and then the final thought that enters my mind before I go to sleep is – “I should have known better”.

Who is John Galt?!?!?!

Ever tried reading a book that holds your attention for as long as it wants and then once you take a break you are unable to get back to the book… that’s exactly what is happening to me. Have been trying to read this publication of the author for over 7 months now. Had finished about two parts of the book and then had stopped. It took me 3 months to pick up the book again and when I did I had to start all over again. And I came to the exact same point in the book and I had to take a break (not intentional though) Its been a fortnight since that happened and I haven’t been able to go beyond a single page after that…

Its not that I don’t have the time… I actually have all the time in the world, but it is still happening. I love the way Ayn Rand has etched the character of Daggny Taggart. She is strong willed – many a times stubborn, sure of her self (cocky would have the word), liberated for a woman in her times but at the same time very naïve about the world and its ways (at least she is now lets see what happens at the end of the book). She reminds me of another favorite fictional sketch – Scarlett O’ Hara. She is pretty much similar to the character of Daggny. That’s motivation enough for me to pick up the book… then why???????????

I mean going to the gym is easier than reading the book right now and believe me that’s a huge thing to do… (Going to the gym I mean) Oh yes on that note I am going to the gym regularly and if I don’t face any unfortunate series of events I should be able to say the same at the end of next week too (he he he)

Now diverting from the issue at hand, I found out today that I have another avid reader of my blog – actually who am I kidding – to quote his exact words he sometimes reads my blog (that’s good enough for me). N yes wanted to say thank you to the others who have read my blog and commented (am talking about people I don’t know) I found these comments so late that I dint know if I should reply to them or not – so anyways thank you.

Echos....

Guilty! Guilty! Guilty!

Everytime I look at myself in the mirror I feel like killing myself. Paid up a huge amount to do something very important and have let it go - was supposed to start by 2nd and its already the 5th and moreover it does not help that i just came back from "KFC" afetr gorging on grease and more cheese!!!

They say that its the in thing to have gym membership... does not matter if you are regular or not as long as you have that membership card - The exact words I told my dad while convincing him were, " Dad! I will go tothe gym everyday... afterall its my money at stake!!!" Feel like such an idiot now....

Anyways will try n go today!!! If not will definetly hit the gym tomorow

( I HOPE)

Choices...

Ever felt trapped in something you are not sure you want to stay in and at the same time unable to makeup your mind about getting out. I felt exactly that way about work. I dint know whether it was the right thing to do... I mean it was, ofcourse the right thing to do - after all thats what we do. We study really hard ( not that i did...) all our lives to get into the best college, do the right course, get into the best organisation and earn loads and loads of moolah. But what when you dont want to that??? I know there are loads n loads of courageous people who do exactly that!!! They dont care what the world thinks of them, how they are judged. They make their choices and live with them.

I decided to give up something I am not entirely sure, I should have given up. Putting a lot at stake here more importantly my independence and pride, all I know is that I am shit scared and have taken the first step and believe me I dont feel brave at all....

heaven!!!!!!

Yay yay!!!!!!!!!! The ban is finally removed....though it did put all my plans for the blog in a mess.... so well there is a lot more from ladakh that will be comin up... hopefully it will be done by the end of the week....

But the whole fiasco was really sad... i was pissed off when they imposed the ban... but am glad they got their senses back... anywho.... willl get back to posting ASAP

another day

at work... completely jobless and bored, been thru www.boredatwork.com though there aint anything great in it or about it.

did my daily survey of orkut, finished the perfunctory round of pleasantries in the office, sat through a rather interesting presentation on e-papers, done with the finishing touches on a presentation and had a good lunch.... n now what?!?!?!

so the only other activity that i could think of was to write (he he he)

here i am...

lemme begin with thanking all those who stopped by the blog and appreciated it....
thank you soooooo much guyz (hugs)

today a fren sent over "his" review of the book "Gone with the wind" thats another thing that he wrote a fabulous review and i complemented him for that... but what struck a chord was that the probable reason why he writes so well is the fact that he reads a lot. now i dont say that only those who read are the ones who write well- there may be a lot of people who have the natural flair for it, but then to hone it, i think reading is an absolute must...

infact i received a letter yesterday... n the reason why i mention it is coz he wrote it sooooo well, and also i dont recieve any letters, dont think many of us do and the feeling is great.. the letter was from a friend, lemme call him "poet" coz he is one. now the poet is in the nilgiris and he wrote to me describing the beauty of the mountains n comparing the sounds to the classical music of mozart and beethovan. he truly appreciates natural beauty and the good things in life and when he writes everything comes alive and that is wahat i want to do too. i can write about mundane stuff but to truly be able to write i have to become much better. n for me the only way of doing that is to read. the problem?????? time...

time is probably the biggest constraint that i face today.. n what ever i get of it i spend it lazying around. i have around 5 to 6 books that i have very confidently, and may i also add with utter stupidity, started reading n now i find myself in the middle of varied plots and half baked characters muddled into complete chaos and confusion.

then there is the blogger, another confidante i have known, who's also good at what he does n then there are other acquaintance, there aint any respite in the office either... surrounded by all these "writers" actually makes me work harder, i am not pushed to the brink of jealousy but they do inspire me to do better.

so i guess there is a lot more reading stored for me in the future... n well if someone out there does have suggestions please do write in :-)

why???

a lil late in the day... but thought of penning down my thoughts.... as to why a new blog

well the old one... i was not very sure as to why i started it... i wanted it to be cool, funny and readable... but then that dint happen. the problem was in the purpose behind it and it was all wrong. so deleted it. n now have picked up the courage of starting a new one

its a commitment i know... intend to keep it though..... (for now i guess)

n what is it all about this time?!?!?!?!

remember the seive that dumbledore used to store his memories... well thats what i intend to do... have a record of the smallest and insignificant event that i want to remember.... the people i come across everyday and anything else that touches my life :)

n i guess fountainhead is the apt name for it... coz it is afterall a new begining