August... Here I Come...

So thought of an update with regards to my journey on being a fitter healthier person... I realised that I don't do very well without a concrete goal in mind and a lot of motivation. Unfortunately for me, my motivation for exercising does not come from within, it is all extrinsic. I need people in my life to motivate me... N mind you I am not talking about the negative kind of motivation, that just puts me down. It has to be the supportive, understanding kind. Yes, I know it is a lot to ask... from anyone really. Cause I can get quite nasty when I feel I am being pushed in to a corner or when I think I am not getting the kind of support that I need.

Anyways, so for the concrete goal, I chose (actually not just me, but it's a friend, her hubby n my hubby too) to run a 10K in August. So this friend of mine... M n I are training with the help of an App. I don't know the name of the App right now. Will look it up and post it here. And the good news is that we are on week 2. Though I must say, today was killing! I have no idea how I completed the training. I think I was dying little by little. My breathing definitely needs to improve for me to do better. In comparision week 1 seems easy... I feel good though.

Now the main problem that I am facing is that I am at home all day long and I cannot help but snack. And I don't just snack... I eat unhealthy stuff. Today was really bad in that department. But I also know the problem. I did not have breakfast today. And I was really hungry by 10:30. I ended up having my lunch at the time. And from then on I kept eating what ever I could find Its 6:45 pm right now and I feel like throwing up. I ate too much. I think I am also realising that sugar isn't great for me. I eat sugary stuff and then an hour later I feel nauseated and I feel very heavy. It is not a good feeling at all. I need to ensure that I have more fruits at home on a daily basis and most importantly have a decent breakfast on time every morning in order to set the right tone for the rest of the day.

The other thing I thought I needed for this plan to work for me is to have some sort of an external support system (seriously aren't I enough???). But I realise that I cannot always count on others to be there for me. Although I have to say that M is a great support, she and I have been struggling with our weight for  sometime now and for different reasons. But she is there whole heartedly for me and I hope to be a similar support system for her. We motivate each other. Apart from her, I need to work on motivating myself and being there for myself. I don't think anyone else can be there for me as much as I can for myself. What do you think?

of new year and new plans

Woah!!!! New year already!!! Been almost two years since we moved to Hyderabad. And I finally feel like I am fitting in.
Most importantly, I don't miss Pune as much anymore... except when we want to buy wine! Why on earth is wine so damn expensive in Hyderabad! Last time we went booze shopping was for my birthday party. N we bought just one bottle of wine... and in that moment I really wanted to be in Pune... forget about the price, the options here are so limited. Can't wait for our annual trip to Pune... or maybe this time we could go to Bangalore... get some good red wine.

For the last couple of months I have been struggling with my weight a lot! That adds to the already building anxiety of not having a job, of not having babies and general life... Actually, I am lying... I have always had body image issues. As it turns out, I am very good at repressing things that I don't know how to deal with and pretending that they don't exist. Last year someone told me, that they loved how I don't care about my weight and that I dress they way I want. I do that because I don't think I acknowledge how much weight I have put on and the fact that I am fat. No wonder, when I see my pics in a camera, I am shocked! I blame my husband and tell him that he does not know how to take pictures. I am and have been living in denial!

So, this year I hope to change all that and embark on a new journey... Day one was today. I did not go that great, I did have a few problems, but I am hoping that by the time the month is done I will have ironed out the kinks. I am wring this on a public space and am hoping to find some kindred spirits, who feel the way I do... I plan to write at least once a week of all my ups and downs. Mind you, I have had quite a few false starts lately and am hoping that this wont be one of those...

I have to make this beginning count!  

Life like this...

It's August already and time is just passing by! We are already past the half way mark of the year and yet it feels like I haven't done anything in this year... In fact it been quite a while since I have felt any feeling that is even close to that of satisfaction. A sense of achievement in any aspect of my life. It's depressing talk I know...

But this has been bothering me for so long, that it became a part of my life and it is something I don't talk about or acknowledge. And it is so easy for me to ignore and for others to not see. This struggle is real and may be talking about it openly and not behind closed doors I might be able to do something about it. I don't want to go into the details and bare it all, because I am not comfortable enough yet and also because this involves other people and some of whom are really dear to me. 

It's been a while since I have had this feeling, this feeling of having lost myself somewhere in the path that I took in life. I was a lost little kid, bullied as a child and had no clue as to what was happening. I turned into a sensitive kid, the kid that cried every time anyone would tease her, the kid that cried at her friend's birthday parties because she felt she did not belong. I cried when things would not go my way, in fact I cried all the time BECAUSE I had no clue how to deal with stuff happening around me. I did not even know that when I cried, most of the times it was not because I was sad, but because I was angry about the way I was treated. 

I remember complaining about the bullying, and everyone told me to handle the situation by confronting the person. And I just never had the courage to make it stop!

They say that kids learn to cope, and that is exactly what I did. Cope! by repressing all my childhood memories, even the happy ones... I have no clue what my childhood was like. And the result was that all the crying and being sensitive led me to being labeled as the "Nautanki" / "Drama Queen". My mom called me that all the time. Not that I blame her, she really did not know what was happening with me, HELL I had no clue why I was the way I was...

This feeling of being lost and not knowing how to react to the situations I found myself in continued for  a long time. It affected me in many ways, most importantly it effected my confidence... I said out loud then, that I had an inferiority complex. I never thought I was good enough. Self doubt was a part of me.

It was when I joined college that I realised that there was more to me than being an emotional mess all the time. I made friends... I actually did well in my subjects, it came as a total shock and surprise that I could do well in my subjects without actually putting in any effort! I participated in loads of activities and it did not matter to me if I did well or not. Well sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. I was actually the popular kid! Teachers knew me, other students knew me... they were the best three years of my life up until then.

But I really found my groove, after I started working. I took the courage of following my heart and took a break, to figure out what I wanted to do. That really helped me. I got into the perfect job I could have found. The money was sucky, but I loved what I did everyday. It wasn't an easy job and I definitely struggled, but there isn't one regret I have! I met some amazing people at that time. they saw me, the good and the bad in me and accepted me for who I was! I loved the person I was then, excited, eager to learn, I don't think I ever felt so alive!

After I got married, things turned around very quickly for me. And not at all in a good way. I had no clue how difficult it was going to be and I don't think my husband did either. I did not have a job, I did not have friends, I was in a new city and so I started clinging to my husband a lot more that I should have. It became so bad that I would not even want to get out of the house to go and buy groceries at the shop around the corner! I spent days together at home and not do a thing. I could not do the house work, because I felt that it was not my job! I did not earn and I hated the fact that I was completely dependent on my husband for money. It did not help that we had major financial issues at the time. So much so that I had to ask a friend for money. That situation really put things into focus for me! It was an embarrassing situation to be in and really humiliating!

It all came to me at one of the ISABS programme that I attended. I saw the mirror and could not recognise the person I was looking at! It easily been one of the most difficult moments of my life till date. I can never forget that moment of realisation  and the sense of loss. I lost that person that I had struggled to become and the knowledge of it completely shattered me. I came out of that experience, wanting to right what had gone wrong. So immediately I took up a job. A job that I was sure would not make me happy, but at least it brought in a big fat check. At least financially I would not feel like I was lacking in anyway. So I did. I did not like my job all time... Some days were good and most of them were bad and it was because I was treated pretty badly. I say I because in the past few years I have learnt the importance of not hiding behind the safety of a generic group. It's important for me to acknowledge the feeling as mine! I always knew it was temporary (the job) but I did not know what it was I was waiting for! So at the end I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, but I had no clue what my next step would be. I worked for a friend for few months and very soon realised that I was doing a half ass job and that it was not at all fair to my friend (who by the way, literally has put his entire being into making this a successful venture) and also to me. I should have been focused on finding what I wanted to do with my life!

And the last one year of my life has been all about that. This year I began another journey and I want this to be it! I so badly want this to be what I have been looking for all this while that the need for it scares the shit out of me! Also I am done feeling miserable, like I don't amount to anything in life and done being poor reflection of the person I was 6 years ago! I really am done!

Life as it is....

So,  its been a year again.... And no posts... A lot has happened. In March last year we moved to Hyderabad... My home town. Sorry our home town. Its something that I always wanted, to move back and be closer to my parents in a city I grew up in. 

I longed for familiarity in the first year of being married. I hated being in a new place with new people, completely out of my comfort zone. But as years passed and as it always happens I made new friends, connected with a friend I already had in a new city. We, I guess found comfort in each other because we were the something familiar to each other in a new place. 

By the time we had to move we had made a life for ourselves, I learnt a lot of new things and basically grew up... not only as an individual but also as a part of a couple. We came a long way from being a newly married unsure couple, navigating through the complexities of sharing a life together. Its been quite a journey for both of us.

So when we moved back, I obviously did not want to... I missed the people and the life we had built. But it was time for a new chapter in our life. After almost a year I finally feel a little settled in my hometown, even more so in the last three weeks, ever since we got a puppy home. Her name is Shelby and there could not have been a better time for her to come home. Now that I am responsible for her upbringing, I am re-acquainting with my self. Getting to know newer facets of my personality. I have realised I am not as patient as I should be. Its been an emotional journey wanting to do right by her and to make sure that I bring her up right. I have been documenting all the challenges I face and am hoping to learn and come out on the other side as a better human being. 

Hoping for some motivation....

November's come and almost gone.... Yet I haven't written anything, not that I don't have much to write. Had a lot of pent up frustration at work which I didn't want to crib about in this space. I think the situation is in control and I should be able to manage it just fine.

What I really want to write about is my constant struggle to be regular to the gym and my desire to shed that extra weight. Why????? Because I am hoping that writing this and posting it on the internet will bring about some pressure on me to be regular.

Okay, so my target - "to loose 5 Kgs in four - five weeks starting from today". Thats at least one kilogram a week (It sounds crazy to me)

Anyways, first things first -

• HAVE to drink 10 glasses of water every day
• Go to the gym 5 days a week
• No chocolates in these weeks
• No junk (especially fried stuff)

Hmm... will keep writing in about the progress. But yes, this does not mean that my blog posts for the next few days will only revolve around certain weighty issues...

Right then... I better go get my first glass of water for the day!!!

As days go by...

Well have been planning on writing since the day before yesterday and haven't been able to.

Did not go to the gym on any of the gone by days in the week :(

Did make significant progress in Atlas Shrugged (am giving myself a deserved pat on the back for that one)

Did cook dinner one night, actually have to cook tonight too

Did see a movie yesterday with a friend and met up with two most annoying people i know (who can also be sweet IF they want to)

Actually considering that half of the week is yet to go, me happy with the way things are going