of new year and new plans

Woah!!!! New year already!!! Been almost two years since we moved to Hyderabad. And I finally feel like I am fitting in.
Most importantly, I don't miss Pune as much anymore... except when we want to buy wine! Why on earth is wine so damn expensive in Hyderabad! Last time we went booze shopping was for my birthday party. N we bought just one bottle of wine... and in that moment I really wanted to be in Pune... forget about the price, the options here are so limited. Can't wait for our annual trip to Pune... or maybe this time we could go to Bangalore... get some good red wine.

For the last couple of months I have been struggling with my weight a lot! That adds to the already building anxiety of not having a job, of not having babies and general life... Actually, I am lying... I have always had body image issues. As it turns out, I am very good at repressing things that I don't know how to deal with and pretending that they don't exist. Last year someone told me, that they loved how I don't care about my weight and that I dress they way I want. I do that because I don't think I acknowledge how much weight I have put on and the fact that I am fat. No wonder, when I see my pics in a camera, I am shocked! I blame my husband and tell him that he does not know how to take pictures. I am and have been living in denial!

So, this year I hope to change all that and embark on a new journey... Day one was today. I did not go that great, I did have a few problems, but I am hoping that by the time the month is done I will have ironed out the kinks. I am wring this on a public space and am hoping to find some kindred spirits, who feel the way I do... I plan to write at least once a week of all my ups and downs. Mind you, I have had quite a few false starts lately and am hoping that this wont be one of those...

I have to make this beginning count!  

Life like this...

It's August already and time is just passing by! We are already past the half way mark of the year and yet it feels like I haven't done anything in this year... In fact it been quite a while since I have felt any feeling that is even close to that of satisfaction. A sense of achievement in any aspect of my life. It's depressing talk I know...

But this has been bothering me for so long, that it became a part of my life and it is something I don't talk about or acknowledge. And it is so easy for me to ignore and for others to not see. This struggle is real and may be talking about it openly and not behind closed doors I might be able to do something about it. I don't want to go into the details and bare it all, because I am not comfortable enough yet and also because this involves other people and some of whom are really dear to me. 

It's been a while since I have had this feeling, this feeling of having lost myself somewhere in the path that I took in life. I was a lost little kid, bullied as a child and had no clue as to what was happening. I turned into a sensitive kid, the kid that cried every time anyone would tease her, the kid that cried at her friend's birthday parties because she felt she did not belong. I cried when things would not go my way, in fact I cried all the time BECAUSE I had no clue how to deal with stuff happening around me. I did not even know that when I cried, most of the times it was not because I was sad, but because I was angry about the way I was treated. 

I remember complaining about the bullying, and everyone told me to handle the situation by confronting the person. And I just never had the courage to make it stop!

They say that kids learn to cope, and that is exactly what I did. Cope! by repressing all my childhood memories, even the happy ones... I have no clue what my childhood was like. And the result was that all the crying and being sensitive led me to being labeled as the "Nautanki" / "Drama Queen". My mom called me that all the time. Not that I blame her, she really did not know what was happening with me, HELL I had no clue why I was the way I was...

This feeling of being lost and not knowing how to react to the situations I found myself in continued for  a long time. It affected me in many ways, most importantly it effected my confidence... I said out loud then, that I had an inferiority complex. I never thought I was good enough. Self doubt was a part of me.

It was when I joined college that I realised that there was more to me than being an emotional mess all the time. I made friends... I actually did well in my subjects, it came as a total shock and surprise that I could do well in my subjects without actually putting in any effort! I participated in loads of activities and it did not matter to me if I did well or not. Well sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. I was actually the popular kid! Teachers knew me, other students knew me... they were the best three years of my life up until then.

But I really found my groove, after I started working. I took the courage of following my heart and took a break, to figure out what I wanted to do. That really helped me. I got into the perfect job I could have found. The money was sucky, but I loved what I did everyday. It wasn't an easy job and I definitely struggled, but there isn't one regret I have! I met some amazing people at that time. they saw me, the good and the bad in me and accepted me for who I was! I loved the person I was then, excited, eager to learn, I don't think I ever felt so alive!

After I got married, things turned around very quickly for me. And not at all in a good way. I had no clue how difficult it was going to be and I don't think my husband did either. I did not have a job, I did not have friends, I was in a new city and so I started clinging to my husband a lot more that I should have. It became so bad that I would not even want to get out of the house to go and buy groceries at the shop around the corner! I spent days together at home and not do a thing. I could not do the house work, because I felt that it was not my job! I did not earn and I hated the fact that I was completely dependent on my husband for money. It did not help that we had major financial issues at the time. So much so that I had to ask a friend for money. That situation really put things into focus for me! It was an embarrassing situation to be in and really humiliating!

It all came to me at one of the ISABS programme that I attended. I saw the mirror and could not recognise the person I was looking at! It easily been one of the most difficult moments of my life till date. I can never forget that moment of realisation  and the sense of loss. I lost that person that I had struggled to become and the knowledge of it completely shattered me. I came out of that experience, wanting to right what had gone wrong. So immediately I took up a job. A job that I was sure would not make me happy, but at least it brought in a big fat check. At least financially I would not feel like I was lacking in anyway. So I did. I did not like my job all time... Some days were good and most of them were bad and it was because I was treated pretty badly. I say I because in the past few years I have learnt the importance of not hiding behind the safety of a generic group. It's important for me to acknowledge the feeling as mine! I always knew it was temporary (the job) but I did not know what it was I was waiting for! So at the end I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, but I had no clue what my next step would be. I worked for a friend for few months and very soon realised that I was doing a half ass job and that it was not at all fair to my friend (who by the way, literally has put his entire being into making this a successful venture) and also to me. I should have been focused on finding what I wanted to do with my life!

And the last one year of my life has been all about that. This year I began another journey and I want this to be it! I so badly want this to be what I have been looking for all this while that the need for it scares the shit out of me! Also I am done feeling miserable, like I don't amount to anything in life and done being poor reflection of the person I was 6 years ago! I really am done!

Leaving behind...

Just the other day I had a fight with my parents and the worst thing was that I picked up the fight when our family friends were around. What started out as a well thought out logical rational line of thought being expressed in a matured and calm state of mind, turned into a heated argument and me behaving like an absolute child.

So… when I was reflecting on my foolishness and swearing at my non-existent control on my irrational verbose impulses, a thought came to my mind and it hit me with the impact of a speeding truck. The exact word to describe “the” insight is suspension…

I have been fighting with my parents for freedom. Me being able to go out, meet friends spend my time the way I want to spend it not fretting about being late, not answering the usual innumerable questions lined up. I don’t feel like a 24 year old… Hell I will be 25 in the next three weeks. To quote a friend, “give me credit for being a 24 year old”. (Yeah well it will be 25 when it will be 25, I am in no hurry). I have been asked to put my life on hold… they don’t want to come out and actually say it but I know… on hold till after I get married!!! Then I can do whatever I want to do.

But this is not about my fight, my incapacity to behave like a 24 year old nor about the feeling of being chained to a wall. It’s about my transgression… me doing exactly what I am accusing my parents of. I have been holding my life in a state of “suspension”… waiting… desperately seeking for something better to come along, rather than taking my life into my hands and doing exactly what I want to do with it. Its not that I know what it is I want to do with every minute of my life, but then I have no excuse to let go of my today in search of a better tomorrow. And at the end of it I felt frustrated with life, blaming everything but my own self for the aggravation I sense. I have said this before in a very different perspective – that I feel like my life is slipping away, and now what I realize is that I am letting it slip away.

And, as the thought settles in some corner of my mind, I feel suffocated; it’s difficult to breathe even. I quite honestly don’t know what I intend to about this awareness inside of me, but one thing is certain I won’t let this comprehension fade away.

Hoping for some motivation....

November's come and almost gone.... Yet I haven't written anything, not that I don't have much to write. Had a lot of pent up frustration at work which I didn't want to crib about in this space. I think the situation is in control and I should be able to manage it just fine.

What I really want to write about is my constant struggle to be regular to the gym and my desire to shed that extra weight. Why????? Because I am hoping that writing this and posting it on the internet will bring about some pressure on me to be regular.

Okay, so my target - "to loose 5 Kgs in four - five weeks starting from today". Thats at least one kilogram a week (It sounds crazy to me)

Anyways, first things first -

• HAVE to drink 10 glasses of water every day
• Go to the gym 5 days a week
• No chocolates in these weeks
• No junk (especially fried stuff)

Hmm... will keep writing in about the progress. But yes, this does not mean that my blog posts for the next few days will only revolve around certain weighty issues...

Right then... I better go get my first glass of water for the day!!!

:)

It’s been a long break since I wrote something……

Was hoping that posting photographs would be enough, but then that’s not always possible is it? I feel like I am bursting with words and that I have so much to say but when I open my mouth I really have nothing to say.

This morning I really dint feel like coming to office but then I forced my self to. Now that I am here I realize that amount of work that has to be completed. Not that it’s a lot of work, but if I keep it pending it will pile up and then will drive me up the wall. Now that have all the work sorted out I feel like posting an entry so here I am busily tapping away on the key board!

So… as previously stated in my earlier post, I went for a training program in Mumbai. Now I will not divulge the details coz it then dilutes the interest of any person who is even remotely ready to attend a workshop of this kind. Also, it will be difficult for me to explain the procedure as it is quite abstract.

Apart from exploring my own feelings, I met some wonderful people and have made some great acquaintances. Each and every person taught me something. M has been through so much and yet she knows how to appreciate all the good things I her life and no matter what she goes through, she stays strong, V lives her life with so much dignity, I don’t think there was a single person out there who dint respect her. She is so content with her life and the people she shares her life with. D simply courageous was not afraid of saying what she wanted to say, R on the other hand is always smiling, and might I just add she is very pretty when she smiles. S had the most amazing personality, his eyes were full of laughter and hugging him made me feel like I was hugging a panda ;) Then there was SAT, he dint give up trying and he tried till he succeeded. Su and T (now blessed with another girl in his life – congratulations!!!) the way they go on with their daily life doing what is necessary, and the respect they have for the women in their lives is purely commendable. Dee was the craziest of the lot. Simply crazy, and when he would come up with his jokes he would have all of us splits, literally rolling over the floor. B just took all the negativity in his life and simple turned it into positive energy and a source of motivation to do better in life. And my favorite A, there is no one else I felt for more and his discomfort made me sad, but then when he hugged me in the end I felt like everything will be all right for all of us. I know that you do a great job and you find strength for it within yourself and I can only applaud as you go about your life. Last but not the least, SK and his ability to mold words into music J

I don’t know how much of what I saw I can implement in my life but then it’s a lot to absorb. I was able to face my worst fears and actually say them out loud!!! That without a doubt was a Herculean task. And it’s only because these people were willing to stand by my side and give me strength. (Absolute strangers who were willing to accept me for who I am without any judgment attached – it’s a luxury I could never experience – and now a treasure I will never forget) Even as I am writing this I can remember the last day of the workshop. I remember their smiling faces. I don’t think I can ever forget them.

p.s: for anyone who is interested - http://www.isabs.org/

And so it goes on...

Have you ever thought it possible...

To have a miserable day...

To have survived the miserable day...

N then to go on to have an even worse night...

Basically the worst 24 hours you could have imagined...

I found out yesterday...

Yes...

It's possible.