Leaving behind...

Just the other day I had a fight with my parents and the worst thing was that I picked up the fight when our family friends were around. What started out as a well thought out logical rational line of thought being expressed in a matured and calm state of mind, turned into a heated argument and me behaving like an absolute child.

So… when I was reflecting on my foolishness and swearing at my non-existent control on my irrational verbose impulses, a thought came to my mind and it hit me with the impact of a speeding truck. The exact word to describe “the” insight is suspension…

I have been fighting with my parents for freedom. Me being able to go out, meet friends spend my time the way I want to spend it not fretting about being late, not answering the usual innumerable questions lined up. I don’t feel like a 24 year old… Hell I will be 25 in the next three weeks. To quote a friend, “give me credit for being a 24 year old”. (Yeah well it will be 25 when it will be 25, I am in no hurry). I have been asked to put my life on hold… they don’t want to come out and actually say it but I know… on hold till after I get married!!! Then I can do whatever I want to do.

But this is not about my fight, my incapacity to behave like a 24 year old nor about the feeling of being chained to a wall. It’s about my transgression… me doing exactly what I am accusing my parents of. I have been holding my life in a state of “suspension”… waiting… desperately seeking for something better to come along, rather than taking my life into my hands and doing exactly what I want to do with it. Its not that I know what it is I want to do with every minute of my life, but then I have no excuse to let go of my today in search of a better tomorrow. And at the end of it I felt frustrated with life, blaming everything but my own self for the aggravation I sense. I have said this before in a very different perspective – that I feel like my life is slipping away, and now what I realize is that I am letting it slip away.

And, as the thought settles in some corner of my mind, I feel suffocated; it’s difficult to breathe even. I quite honestly don’t know what I intend to about this awareness inside of me, but one thing is certain I won’t let this comprehension fade away.