rahdi rahdu

No point being angry at myself for not writing for so long, I think it would be really stupid to do so...

Anyways, life has been quite routine... work was quite hectic until a while ago and now that the portions are over there is a sense of relaxation... although it wont last for long. Exams start and then it will be time to correct the papers.

On an alternate note, our tickets to Leh have been booked! I was until a while ago struggling with research on the place, but now I realise there is no point. We don't know what it's going to be like. I think the only thing to do right now is to book the hotel in Jan and then after we reach there, just to wing it :)

So yay!!! I am going to Ladakh again.... can't wait for it!

waiting...

Again... I did it again....

No matter how hard I try, it's difficult to post regular entries on my blog. I spent a better part of my afternoon wondering as to why it takes so much for me to sit down and post something in this space.

The more I think about it, the more it seems incomprehensible to me... this space is my space! my safe haven... I am allowed to say want I want, feel what I want and there are no questions asked. Then why is it that I find it so difficult to find my voice?

Is it really that I have nothing to say? It's scary to think that I have nothing to say...

I don't think I want to be a person who disappears into the crowd... a person who does not matter, I want to matter and when I say, I want to matter... it's not about being important for other people... I think what matters to me the most is to be important for my own self!

Meeting my own expectations of the kind of person I should be has become very difficult. I struggle everyday of my life and I think i do so even more than I did ever before... Feel like I can be a better person only in flashes and for the rest of the time I only struggle... I guess all I can do at this time is document this struggle and patiently wait for the flash of brilliance...

quote... unquote

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

— Bob Marley

mine and thine...

For better or for worse… in sickness and in health… for richer or for poor…

It’s easy to recall these vows than the ones I made to my husband in our wedding! Honestly I feel that these vows are easier to remember and keep in my life. However, when it comes to the actual vows I made to my husband at our wedding… it’s another story altogether!

One of the promises the boy makes to the girl in a North Indian Hindu wedding ceremony is to disclose all matters financial to his would be wife. He also promises to declare any and all of his investment decisions to her and also that he will only implement with her consent. To think about it, these ancient customs and rituals make so much sense and have been so practical and still are to this date!

And to come to why I am writing about all of this, as I have already mentioned above, the wedding vows that I never made are so much easier to follow. Does not matter, what life has handed to us in past two and a half years, the good, the bad and the ugly… I have had no qualms in facing these situations standing beside P. A financial crisis or not, the fact that I am with him has made everything worth it. Whenever any one of us has fallen sick the other has taken care… n I can tell you the small trifling colds are the ones that can cause major havoc in a marriage… the irritation, horrible temperament, drug (read cough syrups) induced haze in which just about anything can be blabbered….

I have been through all of this with him and all of it is something I have been able to handle. To be able to help P decide on investments is doable. To make him splurge once in a while and indulge my shopping sprees is also okay (not easy though, I always have a guilty conscience after that). And yet, to consider this money as ‘our’ money and not ‘his’ money has always been the challenge.

This has especially been difficult because I was a working girl ever since I finished my MBA until I got married. We moved to a new city, a new environment and away from almost everything I knew. Added to that the fact that I wasn’t earning consistently, it became even more difficult for me to consider this money as ‘our’ money.

Now that I will soon start my new job and I will be earning, whenever I plan for the future, I see this money as ‘our’ money and not my money. So why does it not translate in his case. I think I understand P’s indignation when I honestly tell him that I am unable to accept the fact that his money is ‘our’ money, but neither can I force this comprehension. I am hoping, now that I will be able to contribute financially to our lives, maybe I will be able to change my perception.

For now I guess he will have to be satisfied with everything else I consider ‘ours’ and not just his or mine.

Just breathe...

Its been raining all day long... Its beautiful weather outside. I wish we had a terrace or something, because right now all I feel like doing is getting drenched in the rain. Sounds like a cliché, but I would love to stand under the rain with my arms wide open.

Every drop that touches my skin and rolls down ever so slowly. I breathe in the clean air and my spirit soaks in the freshness, I almost hope to be renewed...

The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog

What on earth has made me so lazy???

Is it true that when we have all the time in the world we end up doing absolutely nothing with our lives? Nah it's not a question, rather it is a statement that defines my life!

I have had two years of time... time that I think I have absolutely wasted... I am at home on most days and yet cant stand the word a housewife!!! Gives me the creeps even as I am writing it down.

So what did I do???

I took on a few assignments here and there, in this space of two years and told everyone I am a freelance consultant... and yet I know that these projects were not enough and I should have done more!

And yes I also realise the futility of venting about time that has passed and yet I don't think I have really come to terms with the sheer waste of my life in the last two years. As I write all of this down I have a lot of thoughts speeding through my head and I feel extremely restless...

Actually all of this takes me back to December 2010... I don't think I have really come to terms with all that I had realised about my self, but at the same time I do see some changes in me.

There is so much to do and soon I wont have the time and yet something tells me that this will be the time when I actually start doing things for myself that me will appreciate...