Life like this...

It's August already and time is just passing by! We are already past the half way mark of the year and yet it feels like I haven't done anything in this year... In fact it been quite a while since I have felt any feeling that is even close to that of satisfaction. A sense of achievement in any aspect of my life. It's depressing talk I know...

But this has been bothering me for so long, that it became a part of my life and it is something I don't talk about or acknowledge. And it is so easy for me to ignore and for others to not see. This struggle is real and may be talking about it openly and not behind closed doors I might be able to do something about it. I don't want to go into the details and bare it all, because I am not comfortable enough yet and also because this involves other people and some of whom are really dear to me. 

It's been a while since I have had this feeling, this feeling of having lost myself somewhere in the path that I took in life. I was a lost little kid, bullied as a child and had no clue as to what was happening. I turned into a sensitive kid, the kid that cried every time anyone would tease her, the kid that cried at her friend's birthday parties because she felt she did not belong. I cried when things would not go my way, in fact I cried all the time BECAUSE I had no clue how to deal with stuff happening around me. I did not even know that when I cried, most of the times it was not because I was sad, but because I was angry about the way I was treated. 

I remember complaining about the bullying, and everyone told me to handle the situation by confronting the person. And I just never had the courage to make it stop!

They say that kids learn to cope, and that is exactly what I did. Cope! by repressing all my childhood memories, even the happy ones... I have no clue what my childhood was like. And the result was that all the crying and being sensitive led me to being labeled as the "Nautanki" / "Drama Queen". My mom called me that all the time. Not that I blame her, she really did not know what was happening with me, HELL I had no clue why I was the way I was...

This feeling of being lost and not knowing how to react to the situations I found myself in continued for  a long time. It affected me in many ways, most importantly it effected my confidence... I said out loud then, that I had an inferiority complex. I never thought I was good enough. Self doubt was a part of me.

It was when I joined college that I realised that there was more to me than being an emotional mess all the time. I made friends... I actually did well in my subjects, it came as a total shock and surprise that I could do well in my subjects without actually putting in any effort! I participated in loads of activities and it did not matter to me if I did well or not. Well sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. I was actually the popular kid! Teachers knew me, other students knew me... they were the best three years of my life up until then.

But I really found my groove, after I started working. I took the courage of following my heart and took a break, to figure out what I wanted to do. That really helped me. I got into the perfect job I could have found. The money was sucky, but I loved what I did everyday. It wasn't an easy job and I definitely struggled, but there isn't one regret I have! I met some amazing people at that time. they saw me, the good and the bad in me and accepted me for who I was! I loved the person I was then, excited, eager to learn, I don't think I ever felt so alive!

After I got married, things turned around very quickly for me. And not at all in a good way. I had no clue how difficult it was going to be and I don't think my husband did either. I did not have a job, I did not have friends, I was in a new city and so I started clinging to my husband a lot more that I should have. It became so bad that I would not even want to get out of the house to go and buy groceries at the shop around the corner! I spent days together at home and not do a thing. I could not do the house work, because I felt that it was not my job! I did not earn and I hated the fact that I was completely dependent on my husband for money. It did not help that we had major financial issues at the time. So much so that I had to ask a friend for money. That situation really put things into focus for me! It was an embarrassing situation to be in and really humiliating!

It all came to me at one of the ISABS programme that I attended. I saw the mirror and could not recognise the person I was looking at! It easily been one of the most difficult moments of my life till date. I can never forget that moment of realisation  and the sense of loss. I lost that person that I had struggled to become and the knowledge of it completely shattered me. I came out of that experience, wanting to right what had gone wrong. So immediately I took up a job. A job that I was sure would not make me happy, but at least it brought in a big fat check. At least financially I would not feel like I was lacking in anyway. So I did. I did not like my job all time... Some days were good and most of them were bad and it was because I was treated pretty badly. I say I because in the past few years I have learnt the importance of not hiding behind the safety of a generic group. It's important for me to acknowledge the feeling as mine! I always knew it was temporary (the job) but I did not know what it was I was waiting for! So at the end I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, but I had no clue what my next step would be. I worked for a friend for few months and very soon realised that I was doing a half ass job and that it was not at all fair to my friend (who by the way, literally has put his entire being into making this a successful venture) and also to me. I should have been focused on finding what I wanted to do with my life!

And the last one year of my life has been all about that. This year I began another journey and I want this to be it! I so badly want this to be what I have been looking for all this while that the need for it scares the shit out of me! Also I am done feeling miserable, like I don't amount to anything in life and done being poor reflection of the person I was 6 years ago! I really am done!

As random as it gets...

A lot has happened since my last post... So here is a list of stuff that has happened. I don't know why but I felt like it was important for me to record them for no reason other than to be able to remember...

Shelby turned 8 months old yesterday, and it's been a roller-coaster ride. The first two month of having her were insane, I just did not know how to handle a hyper active puppy... She would nip, scratch me, get angry and start barking if I yelled at her... There have been times when I just broke down out of sheer exhaustion and confusion as to what to do. At the same time she has changed the way I look at life, P n I absolutely cannot imagine our lives with out her. She has so much love to give and is the basis for the kind of person I want to be. One unintentional thing that has happened is that we have connected with a  number of dog lovers in our society. In the nine months that we lived here we did not meet as many people as many as we have met ever since we got Shelby home. It's been absolutely wonderful.

P and I attended three weddings in three months! We went to Indore, Chandigarh and Mangalore. Three different cities, three culturally different ceremonies and three amazingly awesome cuisines! And also three different sets of friends... It was awesome!!! I got to dress up, we ate mountains of delicious food and also managed a little bit of sightseeing in whatever little time we had. These weddings also made me realise, that it does not matter how different the ceremonies were, the fun and the frolic, the stress, dealing with annoying relatives its all a part and parcel of the ceremony. N it is such a bitter sweet experience for every one involved... Like a slice of life :P

I have finally figured out what I need to be focusing on career wise. I wanted to get into the field of psychology but was tentative as I was unsure of how to go about it and most importantly if it was something I could be good at. I have been mediocre in most things in life and in the last few years it has become important for me to figure out what it is that I am good at. I don't want to go through life feeling that I haven't accomplished anything. Last year I looked at a couple of courses that I could do and one attracted me the most. But it was already to late to apply. So I decided to wait for the next batch and till then take life as it came. Joining this course has been one of the best decisions I made. I love the subject, I understand the complexity of it and best of all I know that there is a lot for me to learn and I don't take the learning for granted. But, I can see myself doing this for a living. Having a practice, being a counselor and helping people live a better life on their own terms! Because it's always been my motto to live life like that. I always knew that I wanted a profession that would require me to be a better person each day, I did not know how to go about it, but it was something that drove me right from the time I graduated from my MBA. I cannot believe that my journey has been this long... and winding. I have no clue how  I landed here, but I am glad that I did! I know it is just the beginning and that I have along way to go, I will have to do another Masters course! And that is just insane... But here I am... At the starting line again and looking forward to it. Just realised... fountainhead is once again such an apt title for my blog!

Life as it is....

So,  its been a year again.... And no posts... A lot has happened. In March last year we moved to Hyderabad... My home town. Sorry our home town. Its something that I always wanted, to move back and be closer to my parents in a city I grew up in. 

I longed for familiarity in the first year of being married. I hated being in a new place with new people, completely out of my comfort zone. But as years passed and as it always happens I made new friends, connected with a friend I already had in a new city. We, I guess found comfort in each other because we were the something familiar to each other in a new place. 

By the time we had to move we had made a life for ourselves, I learnt a lot of new things and basically grew up... not only as an individual but also as a part of a couple. We came a long way from being a newly married unsure couple, navigating through the complexities of sharing a life together. Its been quite a journey for both of us.

So when we moved back, I obviously did not want to... I missed the people and the life we had built. But it was time for a new chapter in our life. After almost a year I finally feel a little settled in my hometown, even more so in the last three weeks, ever since we got a puppy home. Her name is Shelby and there could not have been a better time for her to come home. Now that I am responsible for her upbringing, I am re-acquainting with my self. Getting to know newer facets of my personality. I have realised I am not as patient as I should be. Its been an emotional journey wanting to do right by her and to make sure that I bring her up right. I have been documenting all the challenges I face and am hoping to learn and come out on the other side as a better human being.