Bullies

I am angry... Angry at myself and angry at what the world has come to today. I hate reading news, hate being on facebook, hate watching mindless television. All around me I see thoughts and ideas that are beyond any comprehension.

Whatever happened to just being nice.... I thought growing up the biggest lesson to learn was to be a good human being. Don't parents still teach their children that, 'the most important thing is to be a good person when you grow up'. And all I see is anger, hatred, small mindedness, irrationality from grown ups! What kind of behaviour are we modeling for our children and what kind of a legacy are we leaving behind?

People love flaunting their opinions and today anyone has a platform to voice their thoughts to the whole world... which is great in someways, but when people use this platform to 'shout' their misconceptions, flaunt their flawed ideas of what people are like.... Who gets to stop them? I read all the filth that is out there and I want to reply, but then I shy away thinking what if the person turns on me? How will I be able to handle all that negativity if it is directed at me... And I admit I am scared, but I am also angry at how I don't have a thick skin to take on the big bad world. 

I was bullied when I was a child... Just that I did not realise until a lot later that I was bullied. It scarred me for life I think and here I stand today still scared of bullies and I really don't know how to stand up to them. So, here I am posting on a blog that no one really reads... hoping to let go of some of the anger that I feel, hoping that the fear will be replaced by a little bit of courage (although I have no clue how). 

Still hoping for a better world....

Good good day....

I am feeling good today... I ended up taking a really long break! The problem is once there is a break it is difficult to start again... So I decided to bite the bullet and start running. 

I used a different app today because the other one we were using is available only on Apple devices... So I decided to use couch to 10k app today. It started off fine. Today I had to run for 90 seconds and walk 2 minutes for a total of 30 minutes. The first two rounds went fine... N then I started to huff and puff. That's when I realised that I was breathing with my mouth. I remembered that P says breathe in every 3 steps and breathe out every three steps... After that I did fine... In the third round of running/ jogging, the back of my legs, the area between the calf and the ankle started hurting... And I know there is nothing I can do about it except making sure that I have a good warm up and cool down routine. After I finished the run I met a friend and his dog... so sat down and talked to them for a few minutes before heading home... 

Listening to music helps me when I am running and also I realised it puts me in a really good mood... I came back home happy and energetic... I had energy to run around the table and play with Shelby, something I had stopped doing altogether in the last few days. Felt good to spend time with her... I also danced a bit with her.... It felt good to have that energy. For breakfast I decided to have boiled eggs and mango shake... but the mango shake was so heavy that I could not eat the eggs. Planning to have an egg salad for lunch... I think I will blog my recipe :D

So yeah... here's to a good day!

August... Here I Come...

So thought of an update with regards to my journey on being a fitter healthier person... I realised that I don't do very well without a concrete goal in mind and a lot of motivation. Unfortunately for me, my motivation for exercising does not come from within, it is all extrinsic. I need people in my life to motivate me... N mind you I am not talking about the negative kind of motivation, that just puts me down. It has to be the supportive, understanding kind. Yes, I know it is a lot to ask... from anyone really. Cause I can get quite nasty when I feel I am being pushed in to a corner or when I think I am not getting the kind of support that I need.

Anyways, so for the concrete goal, I chose (actually not just me, but it's a friend, her hubby n my hubby too) to run a 10K in August. So this friend of mine... M n I are training with the help of an App. I don't know the name of the App right now. Will look it up and post it here. And the good news is that we are on week 2. Though I must say, today was killing! I have no idea how I completed the training. I think I was dying little by little. My breathing definitely needs to improve for me to do better. In comparision week 1 seems easy... I feel good though.

Now the main problem that I am facing is that I am at home all day long and I cannot help but snack. And I don't just snack... I eat unhealthy stuff. Today was really bad in that department. But I also know the problem. I did not have breakfast today. And I was really hungry by 10:30. I ended up having my lunch at the time. And from then on I kept eating what ever I could find Its 6:45 pm right now and I feel like throwing up. I ate too much. I think I am also realising that sugar isn't great for me. I eat sugary stuff and then an hour later I feel nauseated and I feel very heavy. It is not a good feeling at all. I need to ensure that I have more fruits at home on a daily basis and most importantly have a decent breakfast on time every morning in order to set the right tone for the rest of the day.

The other thing I thought I needed for this plan to work for me is to have some sort of an external support system (seriously aren't I enough???). But I realise that I cannot always count on others to be there for me. Although I have to say that M is a great support, she and I have been struggling with our weight for  sometime now and for different reasons. But she is there whole heartedly for me and I hope to be a similar support system for her. We motivate each other. Apart from her, I need to work on motivating myself and being there for myself. I don't think anyone else can be there for me as much as I can for myself. What do you think?

Noodle Salad and Peanut dressing

Guess what... I completely forgot about my last post. I did not remember that I took a decision to become a fitter person and that I decided to publicly record my journey... What a fantastic start to me being healthy!

I don't think there is a need to state the obvious, and yet I have to do what I think is absolutely unnecessary... Although, in my head right now I am quite sure that I don't want to beat myself up for not following through. Honestly, it's easy to wallow in self pity and even easier is to put myself down and berate me for not keeping promises I made to myself. It is quite easy. So yes... things did not go as planned. But for all the things that went wrong, here are a few things I did accomplish in the last 3 and a half months.

• I walked 3 kms in the SBI pinkathon and finished the walk in about 30 minutes
• I wrote and submitted my practical log book and assignments for my MA Psychology course from IGNOU
• I went on an amazing holiday with my husband and stayed in a place that was on my "to do once in a life time" list 
• I fired my cook and have now started cooking all our meals at home

Not bad I think! 

So about the cooking at home part... I have to make easy lunches and dinner. I don't do elaborate very well. Even when I am cooking for a big group of people, I will make 4 to 5 dishes but they all have to be simple. I do not like complicated. No wonder I don't cook Indian food as much. I always felt it was boring. But in the last few weeks I have come to realise that I do like to cook Indian food as much as I love to eat it. It's just that I hate the elaborate prep work that goes into it. So, I have help now, she cuts all the veggies especially the leafy stuff and makes cooking a breeze for me. I have been doing a lot of lentils and rice and even pesarattus. And I am loving the food that I make these days. So for lunch today I made my husband's favourite, 'ambali'. Will put down the recipe some time later. For dinner I made a noodle salad. I am sorry for the crappy picture... I did not think I was going to post it on the blog. Although this did go onto my Instagram account. 

So for today's dinner, It was as simple as it could get... Now I live in Hyderabad... And here is when I miss living in Pune... I miss all the fresh produce I was able to source for this kind of cooking. And initially I hated it, but now I simply make substitutions and make do with what I have. So! I had roasted capsicum leftover from yesterday and I wanted to use it up today. Also I had carrots and cucumbers that I hadn't used in some time now. I decided to make a easy peasy salad... A go to dinner option at home. Prassi loves salad dinners and so do I... especially in this scorching summer heat. Most evenings I don't even feel like eating. But cold salads are enticing and make me hungry. 

For the salad:

• three small carrots julienne
• two english cucumbers julienne
• a handful of alfa alfa sprouts
• red and green bell peppers roasted on a naked flame, cleaned and cut up in strips
• half a pack of cooked udon noodles

Dressing:

• 2 tbsp fish sauce
• 1 tbsp soya sauce
• 1 tbsp tamarind paste
• 1 tbsp lemon juice
• 2 tbsp honey
• a heaping tbsp of peanut butter
• handful of roasted peauts
• 3 cloves of garlic

So mix the veggies and the noodles in a bowl. For the dressing i just bunged all the ingredients in a blender and added a little bit of warm water from the noodles and blended till it was all mixed up... it need not be smooth. Always remember to taste though, it is easier to make the changes in the dressing before we add it to the salad. You can add jalapenos or any other pickled chilly. I tossed the dressing with the noodle mixture and added more coarsely ground roasted peanuts and lots and lots of coriander. I did not have spring onions though... That would have made a nice addition. Also toasted sesame seeds. You can even add some thinly sliced apples or pomegranate or orange segments. Its completely up to your taste buds. But I have to say... it was great on its own... N we have enough left overs for my husband's lunch. So yay! I don't have to cook early in the morning tomorrow.

of new year and new plans

Woah!!!! New year already!!! Been almost two years since we moved to Hyderabad. And I finally feel like I am fitting in.
Most importantly, I don't miss Pune as much anymore... except when we want to buy wine! Why on earth is wine so damn expensive in Hyderabad! Last time we went booze shopping was for my birthday party. N we bought just one bottle of wine... and in that moment I really wanted to be in Pune... forget about the price, the options here are so limited. Can't wait for our annual trip to Pune... or maybe this time we could go to Bangalore... get some good red wine.

For the last couple of months I have been struggling with my weight a lot! That adds to the already building anxiety of not having a job, of not having babies and general life... Actually, I am lying... I have always had body image issues. As it turns out, I am very good at repressing things that I don't know how to deal with and pretending that they don't exist. Last year someone told me, that they loved how I don't care about my weight and that I dress they way I want. I do that because I don't think I acknowledge how much weight I have put on and the fact that I am fat. No wonder, when I see my pics in a camera, I am shocked! I blame my husband and tell him that he does not know how to take pictures. I am and have been living in denial!

So, this year I hope to change all that and embark on a new journey... Day one was today. I did not go that great, I did have a few problems, but I am hoping that by the time the month is done I will have ironed out the kinks. I am wring this on a public space and am hoping to find some kindred spirits, who feel the way I do... I plan to write at least once a week of all my ups and downs. Mind you, I have had quite a few false starts lately and am hoping that this wont be one of those...

I have to make this beginning count!  

Life like this...

It's August already and time is just passing by! We are already past the half way mark of the year and yet it feels like I haven't done anything in this year... In fact it been quite a while since I have felt any feeling that is even close to that of satisfaction. A sense of achievement in any aspect of my life. It's depressing talk I know...

But this has been bothering me for so long, that it became a part of my life and it is something I don't talk about or acknowledge. And it is so easy for me to ignore and for others to not see. This struggle is real and may be talking about it openly and not behind closed doors I might be able to do something about it. I don't want to go into the details and bare it all, because I am not comfortable enough yet and also because this involves other people and some of whom are really dear to me. 

It's been a while since I have had this feeling, this feeling of having lost myself somewhere in the path that I took in life. I was a lost little kid, bullied as a child and had no clue as to what was happening. I turned into a sensitive kid, the kid that cried every time anyone would tease her, the kid that cried at her friend's birthday parties because she felt she did not belong. I cried when things would not go my way, in fact I cried all the time BECAUSE I had no clue how to deal with stuff happening around me. I did not even know that when I cried, most of the times it was not because I was sad, but because I was angry about the way I was treated. 

I remember complaining about the bullying, and everyone told me to handle the situation by confronting the person. And I just never had the courage to make it stop!

They say that kids learn to cope, and that is exactly what I did. Cope! by repressing all my childhood memories, even the happy ones... I have no clue what my childhood was like. And the result was that all the crying and being sensitive led me to being labeled as the "Nautanki" / "Drama Queen". My mom called me that all the time. Not that I blame her, she really did not know what was happening with me, HELL I had no clue why I was the way I was...

This feeling of being lost and not knowing how to react to the situations I found myself in continued for  a long time. It affected me in many ways, most importantly it effected my confidence... I said out loud then, that I had an inferiority complex. I never thought I was good enough. Self doubt was a part of me.

It was when I joined college that I realised that there was more to me than being an emotional mess all the time. I made friends... I actually did well in my subjects, it came as a total shock and surprise that I could do well in my subjects without actually putting in any effort! I participated in loads of activities and it did not matter to me if I did well or not. Well sometimes I did and sometimes I didn't. I was actually the popular kid! Teachers knew me, other students knew me... they were the best three years of my life up until then.

But I really found my groove, after I started working. I took the courage of following my heart and took a break, to figure out what I wanted to do. That really helped me. I got into the perfect job I could have found. The money was sucky, but I loved what I did everyday. It wasn't an easy job and I definitely struggled, but there isn't one regret I have! I met some amazing people at that time. they saw me, the good and the bad in me and accepted me for who I was! I loved the person I was then, excited, eager to learn, I don't think I ever felt so alive!

After I got married, things turned around very quickly for me. And not at all in a good way. I had no clue how difficult it was going to be and I don't think my husband did either. I did not have a job, I did not have friends, I was in a new city and so I started clinging to my husband a lot more that I should have. It became so bad that I would not even want to get out of the house to go and buy groceries at the shop around the corner! I spent days together at home and not do a thing. I could not do the house work, because I felt that it was not my job! I did not earn and I hated the fact that I was completely dependent on my husband for money. It did not help that we had major financial issues at the time. So much so that I had to ask a friend for money. That situation really put things into focus for me! It was an embarrassing situation to be in and really humiliating!

It all came to me at one of the ISABS programme that I attended. I saw the mirror and could not recognise the person I was looking at! It easily been one of the most difficult moments of my life till date. I can never forget that moment of realisation  and the sense of loss. I lost that person that I had struggled to become and the knowledge of it completely shattered me. I came out of that experience, wanting to right what had gone wrong. So immediately I took up a job. A job that I was sure would not make me happy, but at least it brought in a big fat check. At least financially I would not feel like I was lacking in anyway. So I did. I did not like my job all time... Some days were good and most of them were bad and it was because I was treated pretty badly. I say I because in the past few years I have learnt the importance of not hiding behind the safety of a generic group. It's important for me to acknowledge the feeling as mine! I always knew it was temporary (the job) but I did not know what it was I was waiting for! So at the end I knew I had to stop for my own sanity, but I had no clue what my next step would be. I worked for a friend for few months and very soon realised that I was doing a half ass job and that it was not at all fair to my friend (who by the way, literally has put his entire being into making this a successful venture) and also to me. I should have been focused on finding what I wanted to do with my life!

And the last one year of my life has been all about that. This year I began another journey and I want this to be it! I so badly want this to be what I have been looking for all this while that the need for it scares the shit out of me! Also I am done feeling miserable, like I don't amount to anything in life and done being poor reflection of the person I was 6 years ago! I really am done!

As random as it gets...

A lot has happened since my last post... So here is a list of stuff that has happened. I don't know why but I felt like it was important for me to record them for no reason other than to be able to remember...

Shelby turned 8 months old yesterday, and it's been a roller-coaster ride. The first two month of having her were insane, I just did not know how to handle a hyper active puppy... She would nip, scratch me, get angry and start barking if I yelled at her... There have been times when I just broke down out of sheer exhaustion and confusion as to what to do. At the same time she has changed the way I look at life, P n I absolutely cannot imagine our lives with out her. She has so much love to give and is the basis for the kind of person I want to be. One unintentional thing that has happened is that we have connected with a  number of dog lovers in our society. In the nine months that we lived here we did not meet as many people as many as we have met ever since we got Shelby home. It's been absolutely wonderful.

P and I attended three weddings in three months! We went to Indore, Chandigarh and Mangalore. Three different cities, three culturally different ceremonies and three amazingly awesome cuisines! And also three different sets of friends... It was awesome!!! I got to dress up, we ate mountains of delicious food and also managed a little bit of sightseeing in whatever little time we had. These weddings also made me realise, that it does not matter how different the ceremonies were, the fun and the frolic, the stress, dealing with annoying relatives its all a part and parcel of the ceremony. N it is such a bitter sweet experience for every one involved... Like a slice of life :P

I have finally figured out what I need to be focusing on career wise. I wanted to get into the field of psychology but was tentative as I was unsure of how to go about it and most importantly if it was something I could be good at. I have been mediocre in most things in life and in the last few years it has become important for me to figure out what it is that I am good at. I don't want to go through life feeling that I haven't accomplished anything. Last year I looked at a couple of courses that I could do and one attracted me the most. But it was already to late to apply. So I decided to wait for the next batch and till then take life as it came. Joining this course has been one of the best decisions I made. I love the subject, I understand the complexity of it and best of all I know that there is a lot for me to learn and I don't take the learning for granted. But, I can see myself doing this for a living. Having a practice, being a counselor and helping people live a better life on their own terms! Because it's always been my motto to live life like that. I always knew that I wanted a profession that would require me to be a better person each day, I did not know how to go about it, but it was something that drove me right from the time I graduated from my MBA. I cannot believe that my journey has been this long... and winding. I have no clue how  I landed here, but I am glad that I did! I know it is just the beginning and that I have along way to go, I will have to do another Masters course! And that is just insane... But here I am... At the starting line again and looking forward to it. Just realised... fountainhead is once again such an apt title for my blog!

Life as it is....

So,  its been a year again.... And no posts... A lot has happened. In March last year we moved to Hyderabad... My home town. Sorry our home town. Its something that I always wanted, to move back and be closer to my parents in a city I grew up in. 

I longed for familiarity in the first year of being married. I hated being in a new place with new people, completely out of my comfort zone. But as years passed and as it always happens I made new friends, connected with a friend I already had in a new city. We, I guess found comfort in each other because we were the something familiar to each other in a new place. 

By the time we had to move we had made a life for ourselves, I learnt a lot of new things and basically grew up... not only as an individual but also as a part of a couple. We came a long way from being a newly married unsure couple, navigating through the complexities of sharing a life together. Its been quite a journey for both of us.

So when we moved back, I obviously did not want to... I missed the people and the life we had built. But it was time for a new chapter in our life. After almost a year I finally feel a little settled in my hometown, even more so in the last three weeks, ever since we got a puppy home. Her name is Shelby and there could not have been a better time for her to come home. Now that I am responsible for her upbringing, I am re-acquainting with my self. Getting to know newer facets of my personality. I have realised I am not as patient as I should be. Its been an emotional journey wanting to do right by her and to make sure that I bring her up right. I have been documenting all the challenges I face and am hoping to learn and come out on the other side as a better human being. 

Pumpkin Soup

So... in my quest to eat healthy food, I have realised that (or rather my homeopath made me realise) soups are a good thing to add to my diet. 

Now I don't like the regular soups. If I am going to have soup, I better have interesting soups. I am thinking more along the lines of broth or clear soups with loads of vegetables and meat. Something that I can have as an entire meal. I am not about to go sit through my entire evening cooking a three or even a two course meal. What I am also trying to do is get a little bit of prep done so that on the next couple of days I don't have a lot to do.

So the other day I baked a pineapple upside down cake. No, I am not going to put up the recipe because, it's not my recipe. (As the oven was on already, after baking the cake I roasted pumpkins and cauliflower - separately). Not that the recipes I put up here are completely my original. I love food and have been looking up recipes for things to make for ages. I love cook books and cooking shows. My earliest memory of a cooking show is of Yan Can Cook where Yan chopped up a cucumber at the speed of lightning. I remember being in absolute awe!

My cooking process is as follows:

• I either think of an ingredient or a style of cooking and start thinking of what it would taste like.
• Then, I look up different recipes online (remember the goal is always to make it simple).
• Now obviously, I live in India and we don't always get t
  
  he ingredients we want (the obvious part would be me not getting the ingredients). I even had to find a substitute for sour cream. So now you know.
• Then I make changes, try and make the recipe more simple and make it at home.
• So these are the recipes that are going to be posted on this blog.
• Or else there will only be pics of things I made

So coming to pumpkin soup, when I was thinking of something substantial I thought of pumpkin soup. And this is how you do it people...

We need

• Pumpkin (chopped), quantity depends on the number of people. So for two big bowls of this teaming hot soup, I decided that I would use about 500 gms of pumpkin (without the seeds and stuff)
• Onion - one small peeled and quartered
• Garlic - just a few cloves whole
• Olive oil (depending how much oil you wanna put) - I put about 2 tablespoons of it
• And cracked pepper and salt ( try sea salt, its cheap and definitely brings something different to the table.

For the soup, I took the washed and chopped pumpkins, onion and garlic and put them on a baking tray. I drizzled the olive oil and salt all over them. I baked it in my oven for about 45 minutes on 220 C. Actually the oven time completely depends on your oven. If you look up online a lot of chefs roast the veggies on that temperature. I kept the pumpkins in the oven till I felt they were cooked through. This can easily be done a day ahead. Something I mentioned earlier.

Once the pumpkins cooled down, I put them in the blender (along with the onion and the garlic) and blended away. In Indian households we generally don't have stock and so its okay to put in just plain old water. The pumpkins and the onion and garlic have great flavour in them.

I then put the pureed pumpkin mixture in a thick bottomed sauce pan (and this is because I am clumsy and I don't want to burn the damn thing). I brought the mixture to a boil, let it simmer for about 5 minutes and it was ready to eat. Now, you can add more water if you think its too thick, but remember to cook it through every time you add water (I just make sure that it boils). The consistency should not be too watery.

And that's that. You can serve the soup hot hot, with perhaps garlic bread. I think that would be a great meal on its own!

Figs and honey

I love fruits and honestly do not understand the kind of people who don't. I mean fruits are awesome and everyone should love them.

Figs happen to be my favourite fruit this tme of the year. I love how they can be such a substantial addition to any kind of meal. I absolutely love them in my salads. They make my salads absolutely delicious. P is loving hung curd these days. We don't get Greek yogurt here and this is his substitute for it. Apparently hanging the curd in a muslin cloth helps in getting rid of a lot of fats and what is left is yummy rich and creamy goodness. I use hung curd for dips all the time. So I decided to use it for something sweet. I also happen to love honey. And curd and honey is an excellent dessert. Healthy too I might add.

So to give it that extra oomph what to I do, add figs in the mix and I get my awesome breakfast on the run!

So it you are interested in the recipe, all you need is

• A couple of ripe figs
• Hung curd, about 2 tablespoons
• And honey... as much as you want

Just put all of them together and that is a great breakfast to have

Chicken Salad...

The idea of this blog seems to be evolving very fast in my head. So... I plan to experiment... a lot!

The ultimate goal is to find a comfortable space where I get to express myself in as many possible ways. So today I thought of this... A recipe along with general musings....

I am trying to eat as healthy as possible.. but, there is no plan yet. At the moment, the meals are more like spur of the moment. I look into the fridge (read scavenge) and then based on what is available I make something or pretend to be unwell and make P cook something.Anyways, I hope to be organised enough one day to be able to plan a week's menu ahead and go grocery shopping accordingly.

So today's dinner was a simple salad, with absolutely no dressing, the chicken's juices were enough to coat the baby salad leaves mix with salty flavour. Just added a few sweet cherry tomatoes with raw walnuts and olives, and it was perfect.

I love the pic!

Into the night...

The week has passed and I feel like I need a break to get over this week. The last four days have been long, but they have been a lot of fun. Need a good night sleep and yet sleep eludes me.

I love this spot in my home, a lovely corner by the window and a plush recliner to relax on. As I relax thoughts flit about and writing comes naturally to me. I have a feeling... this space is going to have a great impact on my future memories.

As I sit tonight, noises from the apartment diagonally across our home come floating in. People are laughing and are having a good time I think. Makes me remember my friends. Is that a smile I feel on my face, yes... that's definitely a smile.

I want to say hey, to my friends, those who read or don't read my blog. Just know that I am thinking of all you guys. And you are so many! I am what I am today because a lot of you have impacted my life. In ways you may not even have imagined.

I am thankful... that I have all of you with me, beside me and more than anything else, I am thankful that you accept me for who I am...

Lots of love!

A green tea break

So... here I am, back to square one, trying to figure out life and where I intend to go from here. I don't say that the last two years were not worth it... in fact not at all. I have loved teaching, had a lot of fun! But more than the job giving me professional satisfaction, it gave me stability in my personal life. Our marriage had a shaky start especially because I was not working. It was the other end of the spectrum for me, moving away, new place and new people. Don't want to go into that because that's another story altogether. The job gave me a sense of being worth something. Knowing that, yes, people can hire me and I can contribute to an organisation and get paid well for it.

Being 30 and not knowing where life is headed is kind of scary. And I realise that it is very easy at this phase for me to get paralysed with fear. I have a lot of questions... Will I be able to contribute financially to our home? Will I be able to find something that I like? What if the next thing I take up also ends up being what I don't wan to do in life or something that I am not ready for yet? But the scariest question being what if I never figure out what I want to do in life?!?!?!

All pertinent questions and all of them are right there.... hanging.... nope suspended.... above my head, waiting to crash all over my head! I can see them even now.

But! (And thank God! for the but!) I refuse to get bogged down. I know why these questions are there... suspended.... above my head.... Its because that is what we have seen our parents do! Get a job, stick to that job and build a life for themselves. Sometimes they end up in love with their job and at times it remains that... a job.

I don't want that. I don't want to take that chance. 

This brings me to the second social conditioning... if you change so many jobs what will you end up as. And in my case its not just companies that I have changed... but with every company I have chosen a different profession... Jack of all trades and master of none. So where do you go...

No, I don't prescribe to the idea that I was meant to do one thing and one thing only! I want to try different things in life. There are so many avenues and I would like to take them all, may be not all... but as many as I possibly can. 

I want to write, cook good food, click beautiful pictures and travel the world... so many things that need to be done.

Perhaps this is what I should do... welcome the new lease in my life... I am excited, I want to see where I go from here... Where will I be a year from now! 

I am going to stop for life to happen to me, I need to make me happen to life!

The return...

Its been tooooooooooo long...

But it is time I take up writing again... Have to figure out what to do next and I think writing is the key!

things to do...

1. Travelling again soon and this time I plan to keep a daily record... lets see how successful I will be.
2. At the end of one year what my teaching experience has been like
3. Letter to a dear friend
4. Putting up pictures

rahdi rahdu

No point being angry at myself for not writing for so long, I think it would be really stupid to do so...

Anyways, life has been quite routine... work was quite hectic until a while ago and now that the portions are over there is a sense of relaxation... although it wont last for long. Exams start and then it will be time to correct the papers.

On an alternate note, our tickets to Leh have been booked! I was until a while ago struggling with research on the place, but now I realise there is no point. We don't know what it's going to be like. I think the only thing to do right now is to book the hotel in Jan and then after we reach there, just to wing it :)

So yay!!! I am going to Ladakh again.... can't wait for it!

waiting...

Again... I did it again....

No matter how hard I try, it's difficult to post regular entries on my blog. I spent a better part of my afternoon wondering as to why it takes so much for me to sit down and post something in this space.

The more I think about it, the more it seems incomprehensible to me... this space is my space! my safe haven... I am allowed to say want I want, feel what I want and there are no questions asked. Then why is it that I find it so difficult to find my voice?

Is it really that I have nothing to say? It's scary to think that I have nothing to say...

I don't think I want to be a person who disappears into the crowd... a person who does not matter, I want to matter and when I say, I want to matter... it's not about being important for other people... I think what matters to me the most is to be important for my own self!

Meeting my own expectations of the kind of person I should be has become very difficult. I struggle everyday of my life and I think i do so even more than I did ever before... Feel like I can be a better person only in flashes and for the rest of the time I only struggle... I guess all I can do at this time is document this struggle and patiently wait for the flash of brilliance...

quote... unquote

"You may not be her first, her last, or her only. She loved before she may love again. But if she loves you now, what else matters? She's not perfect - you aren't either, and the two of you may never be perfect together but if she can make you laugh, cause you to think twice, and admit to being human and making mistakes, hold onto her and give her the most you can. She may not be thinking about you every second of the day, but she will give you a part of her that she knows you can break - her heart. So don't hurt her, don't change her, don't analyze and don't expect more than she can give. Smile when she makes you happy, let her know when she makes you mad, and miss her when she's not there."

— Bob Marley

mine and thine...

For better or for worse… in sickness and in health… for richer or for poor…

It’s easy to recall these vows than the ones I made to my husband in our wedding! Honestly I feel that these vows are easier to remember and keep in my life. However, when it comes to the actual vows I made to my husband at our wedding… it’s another story altogether!

One of the promises the boy makes to the girl in a North Indian Hindu wedding ceremony is to disclose all matters financial to his would be wife. He also promises to declare any and all of his investment decisions to her and also that he will only implement with her consent. To think about it, these ancient customs and rituals make so much sense and have been so practical and still are to this date!

And to come to why I am writing about all of this, as I have already mentioned above, the wedding vows that I never made are so much easier to follow. Does not matter, what life has handed to us in past two and a half years, the good, the bad and the ugly… I have had no qualms in facing these situations standing beside P. A financial crisis or not, the fact that I am with him has made everything worth it. Whenever any one of us has fallen sick the other has taken care… n I can tell you the small trifling colds are the ones that can cause major havoc in a marriage… the irritation, horrible temperament, drug (read cough syrups) induced haze in which just about anything can be blabbered….

I have been through all of this with him and all of it is something I have been able to handle. To be able to help P decide on investments is doable. To make him splurge once in a while and indulge my shopping sprees is also okay (not easy though, I always have a guilty conscience after that). And yet, to consider this money as ‘our’ money and not ‘his’ money has always been the challenge.

This has especially been difficult because I was a working girl ever since I finished my MBA until I got married. We moved to a new city, a new environment and away from almost everything I knew. Added to that the fact that I wasn’t earning consistently, it became even more difficult for me to consider this money as ‘our’ money.

Now that I will soon start my new job and I will be earning, whenever I plan for the future, I see this money as ‘our’ money and not my money. So why does it not translate in his case. I think I understand P’s indignation when I honestly tell him that I am unable to accept the fact that his money is ‘our’ money, but neither can I force this comprehension. I am hoping, now that I will be able to contribute financially to our lives, maybe I will be able to change my perception.

For now I guess he will have to be satisfied with everything else I consider ‘ours’ and not just his or mine.

Just breathe...

Its been raining all day long... Its beautiful weather outside. I wish we had a terrace or something, because right now all I feel like doing is getting drenched in the rain. Sounds like a cliché, but I would love to stand under the rain with my arms wide open.

Every drop that touches my skin and rolls down ever so slowly. I breathe in the clean air and my spirit soaks in the freshness, I almost hope to be renewed...